This past week.

My blogging always seems to be free writing. I find myself just wanting to just write things down. They don't really have an order just random thoughts put to my computer. This past week has presented itself to be challenging for me. I usually have no issue staying on track and keeping every thing perfectly in line. This week I went and saw my daughter whom I have not seen since July 2010, she has been in jail. Her youngest has not really seen her either since he was a little over 1 year old. I was presented with a mixture of feelings did I really wanna subject him to this, how was I going to react when I saw her. How was I going to feel. Anger, frustration,sadness, joy, confusion, looking and wondering if she was ever going to offer me an apology, or an explanation as to why things had happened the way they did. We got there and she was waiting by the rehab door(this is where she is now). I gave her a hug, she cried but yet I could not shed any tears. I hugged her it was nice to feel her touch, knowing she was safe, clean and sober is all that mattered. She is pregnant with my third grandchild, this time she is having a girl. She agreed to let us name her, we decided on Katlin Marie. Not sure exactly when she will arrive cause it is going to be c-section. We took Haidyn into the play room where we had our visit. I found myself paying more attention to what Haidyn was doing then really anything else. Kristin and I did talk, she told me of the schedule they have to have there and then she presented me with the first picture of my granddaughter. She also had taken construction paper and made double hearts for me for valentine's day. One has her name on it and her sobriety date, the other has Mom on it and I love you. As I sit here and blog I find myself looking up at it. I know as children and teenagers we all made mistakes. I raised her the best I could and she choose the road she choose. However, she has been clean and sober for 6 months, I look forward to seeing the road of success she says she is on now. I look towards being able to have a birthday with her, a thanksgiving and a christmas. I have spent 2 years without her on any of those holidays. I love my daughter with everything I have in me. I am by no means perfect, neither is she. We are both human and humans make mistakes. I am not one to judge her, that however is hard at times because I know how I raised her. But, either way after the visit my days seem to have blended together. I have relived the last two years again since the visit. I have like I said earlier a mixture of feelings. I pray everyday that she is able to maintain the positive life she has finally come to realize that she needs.I have never turned my back on her, nor will I ever. I have told her that it will take a tremendous amount of time to get through everything that has gone on. But, with a lot of prayers and work and counseling it can be reached. I have attached a picture of her to this that we took when I went and saw her. She gets mad at me cause I say she looks like me. But, this is the healthiest and the best I have ever seen her look.