Ending the term

Well the end of the term, wow really where did it go. I am pleased with my final paper. I would like to thank everyone who has gone on this journey with me. Everyone has provided me with wonderful inspiration and wonderful support. I know I still have improvement or more learning to do with my writing but over all I know it will come with time. I do not know who will stay blogging and who wont. But, rest assured Faith is going to. I enjoy this, I always have .So Thank you for all the support and the positive and critical feed back all of you have provided me this term. I look forward to next term, and good luck to all with their future endeavors. Beth, lol one step closer to Tenn.. lol..

The ending of the term...

Well we have come to the end of the term, well almost. I have taken away a lot from this course. The one thing I have really enjoyed is all the different types of ways to attack a paper. lol. I have embraced the paramedic method of revision. I have my paper done, however I am going through it one last time before I submit it and send it in. I hope to keep in touch with everyone that has followed my blog. I look forward to my next term with my classes and I will really put this class to use with every class I have papers in. Okay that is the part for school. Now for my week in review. Two sick grandbabies again, when they start school is when all the cooties start coming home. Going back to work has given me another way to have to reschedule things in my life to fit it all in. I however did have a wonderful talk with a classmate the other night on the phone and we have so much in common. We are planning on attending the graduation ceremonies together when it comes up. Beth, thank you for coming into my life. I appreciate you being a shoulder to lean on. I appreciate everyone who has stood by me and left or given me great feed back on my blog. I wish everyone wonderful success with the rest of their classes and their future... Good luck

Redoing things

The last few weeks of class started presenting a challenge for me. I have found myself being sick worse then I had thought. Also returning to work after being out six months, I found having to redo a schedule so that I had alloted time to spend with school work, children and home time. I rarely ever have "ME" time. I have become accustomed to not having that. I feel lost at times and have to walk away and refocus. This week is when I have just put everything down and walked away. I did nothing towards school work Wednesday or Thursday. I worked Friday, came home did stuff here in the house that needed to be done and started to feel overwhelmed again. I walked away again, then finally I told myself that I needed to buckle back to it and redo my schedule. Off to the computer I went printed out my schedule list that has the times listed and all, grabbed a pen and started writing. I developed it the way I had up until this term. I now feel as if even with this term ending soon, I have a wonderful schedule laid out to work for the rest of my schooling. The schedule I have come to terms with gives me plenty of time for everyone in my house to have time with me. I have plenty of time to devote to school. Time to rest(sleep), and maybe a hour or two through out the week for nana to escape to calgon land. I dont know what set me off track this term. Maybe the few deaths I have had to deal with and being sick. My body just seemed to have shut down. However, I am back full force. Thank you to my friends who have stood by me and understood me being distant.

This past week.

My blogging always seems to be free writing. I find myself just wanting to just write things down. They don't really have an order just random thoughts put to my computer. This past week has presented itself to be challenging for me. I usually have no issue staying on track and keeping every thing perfectly in line. This week I went and saw my daughter whom I have not seen since July 2010, she has been in jail. Her youngest has not really seen her either since he was a little over 1 year old. I was presented with a mixture of feelings did I really wanna subject him to this, how was I going to react when I saw her. How was I going to feel. Anger, frustration,sadness, joy, confusion, looking and wondering if she was ever going to offer me an apology, or an explanation as to why things had happened the way they did. We got there and she was waiting by the rehab door(this is where she is now). I gave her a hug, she cried but yet I could not shed any tears. I hugged her it was nice to feel her touch, knowing she was safe, clean and sober is all that mattered. She is pregnant with my third grandchild, this time she is having a girl. She agreed to let us name her, we decided on Katlin Marie. Not sure exactly when she will arrive cause it is going to be c-section. We took Haidyn into the play room where we had our visit. I found myself paying more attention to what Haidyn was doing then really anything else. Kristin and I did talk, she told me of the schedule they have to have there and then she presented me with the first picture of my granddaughter. She also had taken construction paper and made double hearts for me for valentine's day. One has her name on it and her sobriety date, the other has Mom on it and I love you. As I sit here and blog I find myself looking up at it. I know as children and teenagers we all made mistakes. I raised her the best I could and she choose the road she choose. However, she has been clean and sober for 6 months, I look forward to seeing the road of success she says she is on now. I look towards being able to have a birthday with her, a thanksgiving and a christmas. I have spent 2 years without her on any of those holidays. I love my daughter with everything I have in me. I am by no means perfect, neither is she. We are both human and humans make mistakes. I am not one to judge her, that however is hard at times because I know how I raised her. But, either way after the visit my days seem to have blended together. I have relived the last two years again since the visit. I have like I said earlier a mixture of feelings. I pray everyday that she is able to maintain the positive life she has finally come to realize that she needs.I have never turned my back on her, nor will I ever. I have told her that it will take a tremendous amount of time to get through everything that has gone on. But, with a lot of prayers and work and counseling it can be reached. I have attached a picture of her to this that we took when I went and saw her. She gets mad at me cause I say she looks like me. But, this is the healthiest and the best I have ever seen her look.

Writing.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. Since I have been in school however, it has presented me some challenges. The whole college process of writing is a whole new learning concept for me. I have embraced this challenge. I find what I have learned in College Comp 1 and College Comp 2 has made me look at my writing's in a different aspect. Now when I write I find myself revising things, re-evaluating the way the wording is done. The information that is contained within anything that I write. I love it. It has brought me to a whole other level in how I write. My poetry is something else in my writing world that has changed now that I have been in these classes. I believe it has enhanced not only my style of writing, but how I write. There are many forms of writing, descriptive, and narrative as well as the scientific paper we are in the process of writing. When I am online now looking up things I pay really close attention to who has written it, the way the content is presented and laid out. The grammar I find myself looking at things like that as well. This class has opened up a lot of different avenues for me. I embrace this. I wish everyone had a love for writing like I do. I know several people that say they can't write. I believe its not that they can't write it is that the writer in them has not been born. My daughter used to say "Mom, I don't like to write". I told her and my son as well to just sit down and write a list of things they had a passion for whether it was something passionate in a positive way or if it was something they had a passion for that others thought negatively about. They both were able to embrace this idea and now both have a passion for writing. Granted it might not be the levels of writing that we do. However, it is writing and it is creativity at its best. I tell that to everyone that has an issue writing, your writer just has not been born yet. I embrace it though, it is an outlet, and a great way to channel stress out of your body. Even if it does not make sense to others if you feel as if it makes sense to you while you are writing and you feel better after you do it then you have accomplished what you set out to do.

Just a few random thoughts.

I am a person of several faces as I have been told plenty of times. Sometimes when you look at me you just see kind of a plain person. If you really are inside my world you will see a person who has tattoo's 13 to be exact, a person who has a few piercings. That is just on the outside. People make jokes because I have a superman tat in a place that is very well seen most of the time. I am asked, " Does that just pertain to superman?" I answer, No it doesn't it stands for the strength that I have in the colors of my country. My tat has the American Flag in it. I am prior military and very proud. Some others might just say that it stands for the strength that I  have and the person that shows that strength. It started when I found out i was adopted at age 8, my mother died when I was 5 months old. I visit her regularly when the weather here in New York permits. Through being in an abusive marriage, after 12 years of finding the strength to walk away. Learning that my kids and I deserved way more than that. Moving back to New York and my son choosing to stay with his father. I had my daughter up here. At age 16 she gave me my first grandson, at age 18 she gave me another grandson. Alot of people might turn their backs on their children I know people that have done it. But, my role was to be her parent and help her. I did my best to raise her. Taught her right from wrong. She took a bad road and has been away(that is the only way I can put it) for almost two year now. It has taken its toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically. But, I get up every morning and try to face the dawn with a smile, sometimes it works sometimes it does not. I however, do smile through the pain cause I have two beautiful little boys who call me Nana, that depend on me to take care of them. The last few years have been court battles one after another. I went from really having nothing two years ago, to having a house and my beautiful grandbabies to brighten it everyday. I have had a few real friends stick it out and stay by my side but not many. The friends I have met through school some of them I pull strength from and lean on when I feel as if I just cant go on no more. But, I know God only gives you what you can handle. I have questioned this cause I feel weak at times. I am definetely strong and know I will make this work and get through it. I am blessed.
Like I said this is random and unorganized but this is what blogging can be. For me today this is what it is about. I thank you for taking the time to read it.

Someone using my work...!!!

I am going to write on how it feels when someone uses your work and does not give you credit. When I was in highschool someone used an entire article I had written in journalism for the paper. They took my article and switched a few things around and then turned it in. I was hurt and upset because I had worked on that article for an entire semester. I went to the teacher, then the counselor and then the principal. I had to provide proof that it was my original work, then provide them with a copy of what the other student did. After a week or so of going through things and records of this other student. It was deemed  neccesary for school officals to deem it as plagarism and that student was expelled. I got plenty of other people mad and angry with me, but I can understand why people who write want credit for what they do. It was my work, my tears and thoughts and sweat into that paper for someone else to steal it was mortifying and well lets say very upsetting. lol. Either way I can understand the importance of citing other's works to give them all the proper credit.

a note to my daughter...

My daughter and I have not been able to talk for over a year due to some chocies and decisions she has made in her life. I love her dearly and now that you can only teach your children so much and then what they choose to do with it is strictly up to them. I wrote this to her on her 20th birthday since I could not see her.

 You know we do the best as parents and do our best to teach our children right from wrong and then when they turn 18 its their choice on what they do with it. They dont always see clearly. Trust me i know this all to well. 20 YEARS AGO TODAY I GAVE BIRTH TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL THERE HAS TO BE. GRANTED HER CHOICES HAVE BEEN SCREWED UP AND SHE HAS DONE WRONG BUT TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY AND I KNOW IT BEEN BROUGHT ON HER OWN BUT I STILL HAVE TO POST SOMETHING TO MAKE MY PAIN A LITTLE MORE BEARABLE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT UNDERSTAND I AM SORRY, SHE IS STILL MY CHILD WHETHER I HAVE CONTACT WITH HER OR NOT. BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO UNDERSTAND THANKS FOR STANDING BEHIND ME IN THIS LAST YEAR IT HAS HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY.





HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY KRISTIN AYN BREWSTER....... ONE DAY THIS ROAD WILL BE REPAIRED. I DO LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU TREMENDOUSLY.. LOVE MOM...I SEND MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS FOR YOU TO SEE THE CLEAR ROAD AND USE YOUR TIME TO PRAY AND MAKE YOURSELF STRONGER...

THIS IS WHEN IT WAS GOOD.. I PRAY FOR YOU EVERYDAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ...

First Poem

This is the side of hurt and heartbreak over many years that alot of people dont express. They just move on with life and let it eat away at their souls. I myself have been told to always express myself. This is just a poem, So if you read it and go to trip out on me dont plan on speaking cause it is my form of expression .. This is just a poem i have no intentions on hurting myself. i just needed to get the hurt out on paper.



People see the smile on the outside. They don't see the pain and tears I cry on the inside. The pain I live with everyday is a pain that wont go away. Even with the nice things you seem to say. Some people say its all in my head. That's not what they will say when I am dead.

My heart is heavy, my sight is dim, this pain has nothing to do with You or Him. This pain is all my own, As I sit in the dark with no one to talk to on this phone.

Hurt and confused is how I stay, I fight these demons everyday. No way out they wont let go. It does not matter through rain or snow, their ugly faces they will show.

The chance to smile is something I long to do again.

No where to turn and no where to go. Just a fake smile on the outside for me to show. The past for so long I have tried to escape. But the pain intensifies and doesn't go away or fade. It will stay with me until my dying day.

Once I am gone, my pain will leave, people will cry and a few will wonder why . They will look for clue and try to figure out what to do.

For those who are hurt and shed some tears I have loved you now for so many years. Go on with your life and smile each day.

Cause I am with God now in everyway

The new year.

Well, Happy New Year to everyone. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. This year I see a lot happening. My third grandchild will be born in March, my son turns 18 in march, he graduates this year. Also he goes to basic traning (boot camp) this year in July. Very proud of that. So far the first day of the year has been rather quiet which is nice. School is going good in my eyes.Developing my paper is something that  I am enjoying. As for the rest of the weekend I think I am going to sit back and relax a few. Going to post a few poems. One of the first ones I am going to post is a rather dark one, but it when I was really sick before I knew what was going on with me. I know now where I am going and no longer have extremely dark days. Not every day for me is filled with sunshine but I am blessed with what I have and I know this now.